Bonus movie! My Bloody Valentine (1981)

Blah. I should have watched Chopping Mall instead.

Having been dissapointed by You Can’t Kill Stephen King and still having a few hours of darkness left, I went looking for another movie to satisfy my need for blood and gore (and boobs, let’s be honest). You can’t go wrong with a slasher film from the ’80s, right? Oh, apparently you can.

I did not know ahead of time that this was a Canadian made movie, but it became apparent from the accents of the maritimers who made up the cast, and the crates of Moosehead beer. Now, there’s nothing wrong with Canadian movies, there have been some pretty good horrors from our country. Pontypool, Ginger Snaps, Cube (a personal favorite), Shivers and the iconic Scanners, all amazing horror films from north of the 49th parallel. The problem with My Bloody Valentine is not that it is Canadian, but that it’s bloody boring.

Too many characters to follow and care about, no real focus. The mine was a cool idea for a backdrop to the murders, but doesn’t get as much use as it should. They also don’t build up on the mystery, we’re told flat out who the killer is before the first murder has even occurred. Another issue that stood out for me was how the film starts using murderer POV shots, but then just abandons it half way through, it’s inconsistent.

The cause of the issues became apparent when I read the wiki on the films production history. Director George Mihalka signed a two picture deal with Cinepix. They asked him to direct a movie based on an idea from Stephen A. Miller (who would go on to write for gripping television horror series like Simon & Simon, Magnum P.I. and… Archie Bunkers Place?), and they brought in John Beaird to write the screenplay. They also changed the title from The Secret, in order to take advantage of the holiday horror theme like Halloween, Black Christmas and Friday the 13th. You see what I’m getting at? This was just a product to be made and marketed, there was no passion behind it, no long simmering vision that an artist had been working on for years, and it shows in the final product. This movie made me feel nothing but bored. It ran for less than ninety minutes, and still, towards the end I was looking at the time, wondering if I should just give up and go to bed.

Oh, and to top it off, okay, there’s a scene at the end where they unmask the killer, and we are treated to a flashback of his origin story and not even FIVE MINUTES LATER, we have a guy going “Of course, his father was killed on Valantines day!”, like why was that needed? We JUST saw the flashback! Did we need this re-cap in case someone was just getting back from the toilets and missed the big reveal? How thick did they think their audience was?

You know what could have made this movie enjoyable? Watching in MST3K. It begs to be satirized.

When I saw the title, scrolling through Amazon Prime, I mistakenly thought it was the horror movie that David Boreanaz did. I’m gonna go look up the title and try not to make the same mistake again.

Ps. The Boreanaz movie is titled simply Valentine, gonna see if it is streaming on Amazon or Netflix.

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